Boohoo, I want my mummy!

I watched the latest offering in the “Mummy” series – despite all the adverse reviews. Maybe I wanted to check how bad it is. Or maybe I am such a huge fan of the earlier two movies that I had to see this, no matter what the reviews said.

I agree this movie is not a patch on earlier adventures of Rick and Evelyn O’Connell but it does have its moments. Like the discovery of the earthen army of the long dead Chinese Emperor. Like the trek through the Himalayas. Like the mythical Shangri-la peeping through the snowy landscape. And like the final victory of good over evil.

But sadly the bad outweighs the good. It starts with the casting. Maria Bello doesn’t do justice to the character of Evelyn - at all. Rachel Weisz looked like someone who lived and breathed Egypt. Bello looks like a lady who is looking for some thrill in her spare time while living a cushy existence in her palatial residence. By no stretch of imagination can we link either the book-toppling clumsy Evelyn of first movie or the daring Evelyn of second movie who dodges falling debris to save her husband to this third Avatar of hers as an author of adventure books.

Luke Ford as the grown-up version of the adventurous Alex who dares to wear the bracelet of the Scorpion King doesn’t fit the bill. It’s hard to accept that the bright energetic kid has metamorphosed into this guy who looks as if he will doze off any minute. The movie half fails when we cannot believe the characters that are telling us its story.

And the story – or the lack of it - hammers the last nail in the coffin for this movie. I am not sure why the general wants to bring back the long dead Emperor. I am not sure why they had to bring the Yetis into picture. I am not sure why the Emperor keeps on losing parts of his face. And I am not sure how General Ming manages to lose only one hand when he in fact dies after being torn apart chained at least to 4 horses.

And for God’s sake, how can that immortal witch who has lived all her life in Shangri-la amongst the Yetis can converse perfectly in English? Was it so hard to let her speak in Chinese (or Cantonese or whatever they were speaking in earlier part of the movie) and put in sub-titles for the rest of us?

I wonder what made Jet Li accept this role in this movie with a non-existent plot. Brendan Fraser looks tired and bored with the whole thing. And I can’t keep thinking how wonderful it will be to be able to rejuvenate my face the way the Emperor keeps on doing. No need for the monthly facials that blow craters in my pocket, what say?

So if you ask for my opinion, don’t throw your hard-earned money– especially in these inflationary times – on this one. I am sure you will be able to watch it on HBO/Star Movies after a few months. In the meantime, if you miss creaky old mummies and good old Egypt, rent a DVD of either of the earlier two movies, sit back, relax and enjoy the ride. Not all of us need to go to Shangri-la!